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Wednesday 27 October 2010

感觸

Looking back in life...

I realised that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way I live - the way I think...

I guessed something happened to me when I was young that made me close my heart... I've stopped all my emotions and rule using my head... All these years, I've always thought that I was an emotionless person... I can never empathise with others... If you think I can, that's because I can understand how a human's thought process works... I can guess the reasons and reactions on any given circumstances, but that does not mean I can understand the emotions of those reactions... Everything I had done in the past are based on logical deductions but never emotional...

My mind moves like a program, Step 1: if, else... Step 2:... Step 3:... I always go for the most logical, most beneficial method requiring the least effort... I've always thought that I'm a machine, until I discovered that I can't rule over my emotions this one time... Something that I had practiced all my life to prevent myself from getting hurt again failed, and it failed miserably...

I keep telling myself that I have to let go... The most logical and beneficial way is to let go... I've given myself hundreds of excuses to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, there is still this one little chance that I am wrong... Maybe things aren't the way I see it...

There are lots of doubts in this situation, lots of things that I can't explain with logic... These start to form knots in my heart... I've tried untying the knots forcefully or even burying them deep under some place I'll never find... I thought I succeeded, until just the mentioning of her name pulls everything back into plain view again...

These knots... These knots that have to be removed before I can move on... Else 10 years or 20 years down the road, they will surface again...




Help...